One of the biggest obstacles to success in dating is, well… you. Not you as a person, but the self-limiting beliefs you carry around. These are the sneaky little voices in your head that whisper things like, “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not attractive enough,” or “I’m just unlucky in love.” These beliefs, often rooted in toxic shame and CPTSR (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Response), can sabotage your dating efforts before you even start.

Think of it like this: your brain is divided against itself. You have a Thinker, the part that has rational thoughts, and a Prover, the part that seeks to prove your beliefs true, even if they’re negative. So, if you believe you’re undateable, your Prover will go out of its way to find evidence to support that belief. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy, but the good news is that you can break the cycle.

The Ellis Experiment: Challenging Your Beliefs

One of the best ways to overcome self-limiting beliefs is to challenge them with real-world evidence. In the 1920s, psychologist Dr. Albert Ellis, who considered himself a “wiry, sickly kid” who couldn’t get dates, decided to put his beliefs to the test. He sat on a bench in Central Park and asked 100 women to go on dates with him. The result? He got one date.

While this might not seem like a huge success, it was a revelation for Ellis. It proved that his belief that he was undateable wasn’t entirely true. By taking action and testing his assumptions, he was able to gather evidence that contradicted his negative beliefs.

Using Science to Overcome Your Limiting Beliefs:

Science isn’t just about lab coats and test tubes; it’s about testing hypotheses in a controlled environment. The scientific method is about repetition, experimentation, and feedback. You can use the same principles to challenge your own self-limiting beliefs about dating.

Practical Activity: The Dating Challenge

Ready to put your self-limiting beliefs to the test? Try this:

  1. Identify a specific self-limiting belief you have about dating. For example, “Women aren’t interested in me.”
  2. Create a testable hypothesis. For example, “If I approach 10 women and ask them out on a date, at least one will say yes.”
  3. Conduct your experiment. Go out into the world and approach 10 women, strike up conversations, and ask them out.
  4. Record your results. How many women said yes? How many said no? What did you learn from the experience?
  5. Analyse your findings. Did your results support or contradict your initial belief? If they contradicted your belief, congratulations! You’ve taken a step towards overcoming a self-limiting belief. If they supported your belief, don’t get discouraged. Analyse what happened, adjust your approach, and try again.

Remember, dating is a skill that can be learned and improved. By challenging your self-limiting beliefs and using a scientific approach, you can increase your chances of success and build your confidence. Don’t let your inner critic hold you back—get out there and start dating!